Thoughts on the Abyss
by Jade Tatsu
Summary: Devilman fic: Set between the time Miki dies and Akira and Satan meet in combat. What was Akira thinking and how was his revenge going to be carried out, no matter how the future unfolded.


Thoughts at the Abyss Disclaimer: The characters in this belong to Go Nagai and Dynamic Productions. I am using them without permission and am not making any money from this. 

For the two or so people who will ever read this, this is set after Miki's death, in Devilman Volume 5, at about page 191, or somewhere around there and is entirely from Akira's point of view. 

Thoughts on the Abyss   
By Jade Tatsu 

_I don't care.___

_Not anymore... I just don't care.___

_A few days, a few hours ago, I cared. But not now. Why should I care? When I have given up everything and it has been for nothing?___

_I'm still moving, still acting like I care but it is only revenge which is driving me, and it is a revenge I don't particularly care about.___

_The Devilmen are gathering around me. There are more than I thought there would be but they will not be enough. I know that. Amon knows that. And because I no longer care, the power I weild will not be enough. I know that. Amon knows that.___

_I should stop, grieve, rest until I can find something to care for. I shouldn't continue like this. It will only hurt me, hurt others but the path has been laid and it is too late to back out now. Even Amon knows that. And is cursing against his fate but he is tied to me by bounds I made but do not know how to undo.___

_Perhaps if I did, I would free him. I'd be the last to die, I know that. He'd make sure I was tortured throughout the centuries to follow but even that wouldn't be punishment enough for my failure.___

_I don't care. All my reasons to care have slowly been taken away from me. I gave up everything that would make me care and the world took the one thing outside me that I cared for. Everything is gone now. Everything is ashes. I think Miiko sees some of it, but she hasn't seen all. She doesn't understand everything, doesn't know what I think, what I believe, what I know.___

_I gave up my humanity and then fought for them. I gave up my body, my mind, my soul and although they remain my own, that is only because I can hold him. Only because I can control Amon. But I'm not sure I want to anymore. I gave up my humanity and I fought for them. Shouldn't that have counted for something? I gave up everything but I couldn't give up my heart, my love. If I had done that, there would be no difference between me and Amon. And now there isn't because my heart, my love has been taken from me.___

_I don't care. Not anymore, not about this world. Perhaps it was futile to care, to fight, to pretend we had a chance. Perhaps we should have given up this world and fought for the next because it is only there that I can care. I know that now. Amon knows that. And his presence is the reason I know that world is there. He is tied to me by bounds I cannot undo. He cannot hide from me, and everything he knows, I can see.___

_That world exists. I can feel it. I can feel her, waiting. It is not for demons. They cannot enter, not even if Satan destroys everything, not even if the world is ash. They cannot come there. Amon may be able to enter but he is tied to me, to my human soul by bounds I cannot undo. He doesn't want to enter. He wants choas and uncertainty, not that sanctuary, not that peace. He has got what he wants. He knows that. I know that. But it is not how he wants it.___

_He knows.___

_He knows that I don't care and that will be his undoing. I can feel him. He is trying to break free, with a furvor he hasn't used since the beginning. I don't care. Perhaps if I don't care enough he can break free. He is older than me but he is young and I feel old. I don't want to continue. I never wanted to do this alone. But Ryou and I separated, slowly but surely and there was no way I could tell her. And that left me alone.___

_And now that she is gone, I don't care. Amon cares. He doesn't want to die with me. I can survive anything I know that. There is no wound I cannot heal, if I want. But I don't want. Not now. Not for this world and if the opportunity presents itself I will go.___

_I don't care.___

_Why should I care for the world, for the race that took everything and has given me nothing? I did care. I thought it was right, that it was good to fight, to try to protect but they didn't care. They only saw monsters, power they could not control.___

_I don't care.___

_I should never have cared. Not for this world but for the next.___

_I can feel her. She's waiting, with that infinite patience I know is there. With that soft smile that only beckons eternity. She wasn't for this world, an angel like that shouldn't have been here. And if this hadn't taken her, something else would have. She's waiting. I don't think she will wait long.___

_Satan.___

_Satan is there. He is near. I wonder if he can see it. That I don't care. That with her death, he won. I think he does. I think that's always what he wanted. But I wonder if he can see that this revenge which is driving me, is something I don't really care about. It's reflex. It's something I know is excepted but not something I care about. I don't care. Not about this world. It's no longer any world I know.___

_There is nothing left. I can feel it. Nothing in me. Nothing in this world. Humanity is dead. There is not one left alive. There are only the demons and the devilmen. And even they will now destroy each other.___

_It doesn't matter. Not anymore. The future holds nothing but death. It doesn't matter. For a world that could do this, death is all it deserves. For the one who did this, death is all he will get. And I know that's not what he wants. No really. Satan doesn't want that but it is what he will get.___

_Ironic. The revenge I don't care about will extract itself. And all because I don't care. Satan will pay, he will suffer but he will not die. He will suffer, the same suffering I have known. The same loneliness, the same pain, the same loss.___

_I don't care. And that will be my greatest revenge.___

_Eternity beckons. She's calling. All I need do is cross that line. The revenge which is driving me will be complete then. I don't care about it but there is some small satisfaction. Pain he doesn't want to inflict, and pain that I welcome, pain that is freedom, that is my revenge. That is her revenge, although the word, the action is not one she ever needed, ever used.___

_I don't care, not for me, not for this world. Do you see that Satan? With all your abilities do you see that? Do you see that I don't care and that will be my revenge? Do you see the suffering that is to come?___

_I hope not. I wouldn't want to spoil your surprise, for you to know your pain before it occurs.___

_The lines are drawn, the battle will begin soon. I don't care. When the devilmen cross from this world to the next, it will be for the best. We owe this world nothing. I owe this world nothing. There is nothing left to defend here. It's time to go.___

_She's calling. It's time.___

_It's time for you Satan, to extract my revenge. The revenge I don't care about but that will be paid in full.___

_I hope you will hate my gift, as I have hated yours.___

_I don't care, do you know that? And that is the only reason this can be.___

I know that not many people are ever going to read this, and to echo the words just used, I don't care. When I found out the end of Devilman, I didn't really like it, but then I have always been a 'happy ending' freak. I accepted it but I didn't have to like it. It didn't seem right that Akira would lose and while I know, Go Nagai used it as the set up for just about everything else he ever did, I liked Akira and didn't want to see him die. Sigh... But then I wondered what if he wanted to die, and what if he knew, sort of, how Satan/Ryou felt, as in, what if he knew Satan loved him. Then to him, dying and seeing Miki again, would be the best thing that could happen. Satan would feel miserable and he could be reasonably happy. And that's what happened, sort of. The picture in Volume 5, on page 191, he looks so sad and that's kind of what lead to this and this sort of gives me my happy ending. 


End file.
